


She Carries the Reminder

by onetrueharem



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, F/F, Femslash February, lina your blatant mor-mor bias is showing, moderate angst, really lina you couldn't do better than 'pendragon global'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:26:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetrueharem/pseuds/onetrueharem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a week since Gwen broke up with her, and Morgana has barely gotten out of bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She Carries the Reminder

**Author's Note:**

> My meager contribution to Femslash February. This is a reincarnation fic, and my headcanon (yes, headcanon for my own fic) is that Merlin has been alive and kickin' all along, so he remembers everything.
> 
> Mega thanks to my beta-reader, eccecorinna! Has not been brit-picked, so any corrections are welcome.

For twenty-eight years of her life, Morgana had taken the high road. She had not been bitter about Arthur being the favorite, not even when they were young children. She'd had the wisdom, even then, to tell herself not to be jealous. Fathers and sons have a special bond, she'd reasoned.

Arthur gets better marks, she thought.

Arthur looks more like Mum, she thought.

Arthur's better behaved, she thought.

None of those things were bad; none of them made her bad. They just were. Getting over the favoritism was easy, even, once she'd started to hate their father.

But then Arthur being better than her spilled over into every other area of life. Arthur got three As and a B on his A-levels, even though Morgana was pretty confident she was smarter than him. He was just more interested in things like school than she was. Arthur was accepted to Cambridge. Dad promoted Arthur rapidly through the ranks of Pendragon Global, letting him have a hand in whatever areas Arthur wanted to try out.

Morgana, on the other had, had taken a gap year, gotten an ASBO for shoplifting, and was told by her father in no uncertain terms that she was not welcome to work for his company any longer.

Morgana loved her brother, if only because he always genuinely cared for her and didn't treat her like hellspawn (well, no more so than he treated anyone that way). She tried not to hold anything against him. It wasn't his fault, any of it.

Until he'd stolen her girlfriend.

Her _girlfriend_. The only beautiful, perfect, wonderful person she'd ever had all to herself.

Well, Gwen kept insisting she and Arthur weren't seeing each other, but Morgana knew where things were headed all the same. In the last few weeks, she and Arthur had been spending copious amounts of time together, giggling over private jokes. When Morgana finally asked Gwen about it, Gwen had said Morgana was being needlessly jealous. The day after that, Gwen broke up with her.

Morgana was now ignoring Arthur's calls and texts and emails, and he was completely oblivious as to why she'd shut him out. Idiot. Gwen could at least have told him by now.

Morgana barely got out of bed for a week after Gwen told her it was over. She buried herself beneath four quilts, subsisted mostly on biscuits, and watched as much bad telly as she could fit into her waking hours. She waited for her cousin-slash-flatmate to notice and come check on her, maybe encourage her to open her curtains, but he never did. He left early in the mornings and came home late. Probably spent all day mooning over Arthur, just like everyone else.

It was Saturday night when she heard a knock on the door to the flat. Morgana was watching a documentary about fish and had recently finished a crying jag. She ignored the knocking at first, since it couldn't possibly be for her (she didn't have any friends anymore) and even if it were there wasn't anyone she wanted to see.

Correction: there was one person, but it couldn't possibly be--

"Morgana, I know you're here!" It was Gwen. Morgana threw off her quilts and lunged out of the bed so fast her pyjama pants tangled and she fell onto the floor. She hopped right back to her feet and ran for the front door.

She unlocked the door and threw it open. There stood Gwen, looking strangely three-dimensional after all the photos Morgana had been staring at.

"Hi," Gwen said, looking Morgana up and down and smiling ruefully.

"How are you?" Morgana asked. _Oh Morgana, I'm lost without you, so lonely, I can't stop thinking of you, please take me back, I'm so sorry..._

"Mordred told me you haven't left your room for a week?" Gwen said, cringing a little.

"Oh," Morgana said. "So he does remember I exist."

Gwen bit her lip and looked at her feet. "I had to ask him how you were."

" _Two_ people remembering I exist. It's a miracle."

"Morgana..." Gwen sighed and pushed some loose hair out of her face. "Can I come in? I'll make you some tea."

Morgana couldn't have said no if she'd wanted to. She'd been wrapped around Gwen's pretty petite finger since the first day they'd met, when Morgana went into Arthur's office to borrow some cash and came face-to-face with his new admin assistant. Gwen didn't consciously try to manipulate anyone, of course. She probably didn't even know how fatal her smile was.

Gwen switched on the kettle and took a mug out of the cupboard. She knew her way around the flat effortlessly. Morgana idled in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, which was too high to sit on but too low to rest her elbows on. It dug awkwardly into top of her bum.

Gwen opened the fridge. "Heaven's sake, what have you two been eating?" She took out the near-empty milk carton and checked the expiration before setting it on the counter.

"Biscuits," Morgana said. "Coffee. Sometimes cereal."

Gwen shot her a look that was somewhere between pity and compassion, and she stepped towards Morgana and started to lift a hand, surely to place it on Morgana's hip or face or shoulder as she'd done so many times. She stopped herself, though. Morgana could practically see the wall separating them. _Just touch me,_ she pleaded silently. _I'm all alone._

Her nightmares had been worse than ever in the past week. In them she was chained in some kind of prison, a damp, dark place, where the silence pressed on her ears and she screamed just to make sure she was still alive. The dreams couldn't have lasted more than a few moments, but in each one she knew she'd been trapped in the place for years. But the worst part was waking up, when she would reach for Gwen like she used to and find only a cold sheet.

When Gwen turned to hand Morgana a steaming mug a minute later, she saw that Morgana was crying. Morgana had tried to fight it, managed to hold in the gasp and sob that threatened to escape her mouth, but the tears still slid down her cheeks. Gwen sighed, her shoulders drooping, and she set the mug down on the counter.

Part of Morgana wanted to stand straight and unaffected, but that was hopeless. She crumpled into Gwen's arms and pressed her face into the crook of Gwen's neck.

"It's alright," Gwen said softly. "I'm here."

"No you're _not,_ " Morgana gasped. "You left me. You left me again."

"Again?" Gwen rubbed her hands along Morgana's back. "What do you mean, again?"

Truthfully, Morgana didn't know what she meant. The word had popped out of its own accord. Instead of explaining she kept rambling. "Everybody hates me, and I had you all to myself, and now you hate me too. Why, Gwen? Why does everybody hate me?"

"What?" Gwen pulled away so she could look at Morgana straight on. "What are you talking about? No one hates you, love."

"Yes they do." Morgana sniffed and wiped her cheeks with her palm. "Well, _Merlin_ does. And nobody has more of an influence on Arthur than Merlin."

Gwen bit her lip. Aha, caught. "See?" Morgana said. "You can't pretend it's not true. Why does Merlin hate me?"

"I wouldn't say he _hates_ you, more like... he doesn't trust you."

"Well, why the bloody hell not?"

Gwen shrugged a little. "He thinks you're a bad influence on Arthur. If you must know, that's what people say. Maybe Merlin talked them into it, I don't know."

"And is that what you think?"

"I think Arthur's success and lifestyle speaks for itself."

Morgana laughed harshly. "Meaning my _failure_ doesn't influence him after all, right? Thanks for your honesty, Gwen. It's much appreciated."

"Oh, cut it out," Gwen said. "I didn't say you were a failure. All I said was I don't think Arthur's got any bad influences, at least not from you."

"You do think I'm a failure, though," Morgana said. "You said it last week. I don't know where I'm going in life, blah blah, need someone with more ambition. Did it ever occur to you that I _have_ ambition, Gwen, and it's all the people in my life who have been keeping me down?"

Gwen shook her head. "No, see, _this_ is why I ended it. You've got to stop playing the victim, Morgana. You've got to learn to take what you want without caring about the people you think are standing in your way." She put a hand on the mug she'd set on the counter, and slid it a few inches forward. "Drink your tea. I can't stay; I've got work in the morning."

When Gwen was gone, Morgana took one tiny sip of her tea, barely enough to moisten her mouth. She felt the pinch behind her eyes that signalled a headache coming on. Lately after finishing a cry she always developed a headache. It was annoying, but no surprise her tear ducts were finally putting up a fight.

She took a bigger gulp of tea, set the mug down on the counter, and went to her bedroom. She took the paracetemol bottle off her night stand and gave it a shake.

Empty. She pried the lid off and checked inside to make sure no pills were stuck to the sides. "Shit," she muttered. She dropped the bottle onto the bed and pressed her fingers briefly into her temples. Then she dug through her quilt pile until she found her phone.

She texted Mordred. _Bring paracetemol when you come home._

She climbed into bed and was halfway wrapped in quilts when her phone buzzed. _Not coming home tonight. with someone :)_

 _With_ someone? Well, how nice for him. Morgana glared at the screen and texted, _my headache is more important, come now._

_get youre own bloody medicine im not delivery boy_

_It's YOUR*. you're is you are as in you are a terrible cousin_

She didn't get a reply right away. Gwen's words rang in her head, and guilt started to creep in. She sent a new message. _just kidding. remember to use a condom xx_

That got an instant reply: _ew morgana_

Morgana smiled, only for a second but enough to give her cheeks more exercise than they'd had in days. She set her phone down. She took a deep breath, threw off the quilts, and heaved herself out of bed.

It was half of eleven now. If she hurried, she could make it to the drugstore before it closed. She stripped out of her pyjamas and fished through the top of her clothes hamper for jeans, a bra, and a jumper. She got dressed and pulled her hair back with a headband. She glanced at the mirror over her vanity. She looked like someone who'd been in bed crying for a week. A shower and makeup could do wonders, but they could wait until tomorrow.

She pulled her winter coat on and checked the pockets for her keys and credit card. She stepped into her boots and, chin held high and only trembling a little, left the flat.

On on the street, Morgana breathed in the chilly night air, washed clean from the rain that had been falling only an hour ago. She crossed her arms over her chest and shivered. What was she so afraid of, anyway? She _wasn't_ trapped alone in some hellish prison; that was only a dream. She was awake and free right now. Free to do whatever she wanted with her life, right? Free to win Gwen back.

But paracetemol. She would start with paracetemol.

**Author's Note:**

> I MEANT FOR IT TO HAVE A HAPPIER ENDING. IMAGINE A HAPPY ENDING HERE. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. (they're getting back together okay dwi)


End file.
